So so so sorry!

hi from the void (real life)

Note: a very not-polished mind dump. Also in the interest of self-promotion, there’s still about a week to join Poem Club for June (which is the second anniversary!!)

Every time I go a long period of time without journaling, I’m compelled to begin the next entry with an apology to my journal. A tendency towards shame, maybe. I don’t know. This is my non-apology apology for disappearing from the internet, via a jumbled mess of thoughts that I have no outline for.

The last time I wrote it was winter, and now it’s spring. Almost summer! Feels like summer, with the humidity and the heat.

The last time I wrote I was rearranging my furniture to stave off a mental breakdown, and now I’m writing this from a new worktable.

The last time I wrote my best friend was pregnant, and now she has a baby.

The last time I wrote I was coping by reading too much Dramione fanfiction, and now I’m still coping by reading too much Dramione fanfiction.

The last time I wrote the sun was setting at 4:30, and now it’s 6:55 and still light out.

It’s 6:55 and still light out and I’m in the studio, about to go home to R and the feral kittens I still feed and the not feral princess cat I still sleep next to every night. I’m working on the 25th edition of Poem Club, which if you’re keeping track is the second anniversary edition.

In February I sort of felt like I was crawling out of my skin and in March I decided I would take a few months off social media, which was really just a bandaid for the burnout and anxiety and depression. I ended up taking nearly three months off. I wasn’t intending to disappear here, in fact I sort of thought, great, I’ll get off Instagram and Tiktok and post more on Substack. Every time I got an email that someone had subscribed I felt so guilty that they weren’t getting anything. Sorry! So so so sorry!

The last time I wrote I said I felt like I was trying to squeeze things out of an already dry sponge. Maybe I just needed to absorb some things. So, here’s a list of unimportant and important things that have happened to me and been witnessed by me since the last time I wrote.

at Luce, in Portland.

I trapped two feral cats for TNR, named them Louie and Baby Jane Doe, after the Pitt.

I laid by a pool in the Dominican Republic and drank cheap beer and suntan tasting Piña Coladas.

I arranged flowers for Mother’s Day, in Portland.

I met my best friend’s new baby, and met her again as a mom.

I spent sooo much time sitting on the floor with my other best friend’s 11 month old, watching him climb up his floor blocks and slide down them, held him while we smelled the blooming lilac in the front yard, made him a cloth book as an early birthday present.

Red book for Cy <3

I laid on the floor with a cat in her last moments, and arranged flowers on her body when she passed.

I drank wine and ate pasta and journaled alone at my favorite Portland restaurant.

I put two months of Poem Club into the world.

I left my car at a random auto shop when it broke down on the highway on the drive back from NJ.

I took the train from Portland to Seattle with my little brother and saw Florence and the Machine perform.

I spent a few days on Bainbridge with an old friend who feels like home.

I cried. Took pictures. Kissed Robbie. Made food. Drank drinks. Rode my bike. Flew in a plane. Drove a hundred plus miles. Bought things. Threw things away. Watched too much TV. Organized the coat closet. Planted flowers for the balcony. Worried. Laughed. Moved forwards, and back.

nearly full moon on I-80

Here I am. Still here.

More, soon, but I suppose I shouldn’t make any promises.

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Xo,
B

custom stamp sheet going with June Poem Club!!

p.s. Not to be redundant, but again, if you join Poem Club before the 18th of June you’ll get the special anniversary month which includes the above stamp sheet custom printed by The Portland Stamp Company.

If you’re new here and you don’t know what tf I’m talking about, Poem Club is a monthly subscription, active members get one printed poem and letter in the mail (irl, with a stamp) every month. $8 a month and you’re supporting a real artist (me) who’s constantly spiraling and very much agonizing over everything she does.